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I like lying on my belly. I appreciate the gravity-defying flow my legs can get as they swing contentedly upside down and my back stretches and contracts muscles it seldom experiences the pleasure of noticing are present in my body. It is also a position I lie in whilst suffering my bored-est hours. And while the sensation vanishes shortly after I decide to render myself ventricumbent, I’m happy to pop back up, slightly less bored and slightly more relaxed. I’ve been in this position quite a few times of late, due to the political debates that go on around me. No, not the ones hosted by radio 4 or iTV, no. I find myself frustrated and, at the same time, excited at the debates that take place on Facebook. It’s brilliant. Anyone can come and go as and when they please, everyone is free to join in and agree or disagree and you assemble a group of people talking about a topic which would never happen elsewhere, due to other commitments the participants have and the large level of frowns and bullying one gets from having a political debate in the middle of the school yard.

Clearly, as someone who usually gets a strong opinion about mundanities such as ketchup brands, I’m fairly keen for a good argument to take place with me in the middle. You may wonder where I fall when it comes to politics, and you may also not be surprised to hear that I’m a fairly centre-right kinda guy. My ideal parliament would probably consist of Nick Clegg as PM, with a few Conservative seats and Joanna Lumley thrown in for good measure. Irritatingly, my parents have been avid Daily Mail readers since I was born, Thankfully, my Dad is quite open to other views. However, my Mum is easily swayed by propaganda so articles such as this made my Mum think Conservatives were a good idea rather than the effect it had on me which was to piss me off greatly with such a disgustingly low blow. (It didn’t at all surprise me to find later on that it was written by James I piss off immigrants, asylum seekers, non-conservatives and women for a living Slack.) I guess this means I must have formed some of my own political opinions along the way and this has sat me bang in the position of a wishy-washy-middle-class-guardian-reading-wet-liberal, which I can’t really say I have a problem with as plenty of people cater for my market. Look at Starbucks! It’s the home of the above-mentioned! You get a cup of over-priced, over-sweetened Fairtrade coffee and a copy of The Guardian that the last wet liberal has left behind. Perfection.And as my wishy-washy liberal self I can’t say I mind whether we get a Conservative o

r Lib Dem government, as long as we get rid of Gordon Brown. I am usually not vey violent and quite happy to get along with anyone but if I were to ever find myself in a lift, say, with Gordon Brown I’d find it hard to not get instantly angry and assault him in the way that I assault any one else – using words. I’d feel the need to grill him verbally and hope he squirms in my questioning.

Another point I feel quite strongly about is the freedom of the vote. It is your vote, making it your choice. Don’t ever feel forced to jump on any political bandwagon and stick up for what you think is right. I think the Liberal Democrats have got the right idea but that does not mean you have to think the same. I will never say to anyone that they are voting for the wrong party, except for perhaps the BNP. That is, after all, the point of a democracy. One thing I came across whilst sharing my political views on Facebook is that a handful of people would stick up for, or try stick up for, Gordon Brown by saying that “it’s about policy, not personality.” I couldn’t agree with you less. I long for a Prime Minister who can crack a joke without feeling they will have to make huge apologies to the subject of the joke, be it condolences to the chicken who crossed the road or a sincere sorry to the non-gender-specific hermaphrodite who walked into a bar. I long for a Prime Minister who turns up into work a few minutes late because someone added him as a friend on Facebook or he ran out of hair product so he had to improvise with a tap and his wife’s hairspray. This would then be a PM who could really associate and empathise with the normal guy. This would be a truly down-to-earth, normal man. However, do we want the down-to-earth man from Acacia Avenue to move into Number 10? I think our leader should be quite well spoken and probably a bit posh as he is, after all, representing the country. He must communicate in a dialect understood and accepted by all. I struggle to say that Brown, Cameron or Clegg are all of the things the country wants.

So, who will I be voting for when it comes to May 6th? I will not be voting; I will be sat in the corner of the polling station with all the other non-voters discussing paté. This is partly because none of the three main candidates are exactly what I want, but mostly because I haven’t yet experienced the 18th anniversary of my birth. Makes this entire post a little bit pointless, dunnit! I probably should have just stayed ventricumbent.
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